题记
“80后最典型的特征就是自私，他们是以自我为中心的一代。”
——91父亲
各位80后，不知道你们看到这个论断之后是否服气，至少我个人认为这句话相当一针见血，准确到位。不过，这不是一个结论，这其实是一个论述的开端。80后不是到此为止，这是一个起点。
撇开那个论断，让我们抽丝剥茧，先从力量的本源说起。力量之源在哪里？在进行抽象化论述之前，我们先来看一个大家耳熟能详的事例，这也是80后几乎集体推崇的一个故事，出处，是80后心目中的经典——《灌篮高手》。在全国大赛最最关键的一场比赛，湘北遭遇上届冠军山王工业，比赛最后决定胜负的几分钟，樱木花道因为救一个出界球，重重摔到在了护栏边，很可能脊椎受了伤。安西教练见状想把樱木换下场，樱木花道对安西说：“老爹，你最辉煌的时刻是在什么时候？是在作为日本国手的时代吗？而我，就是现在啊！”
那一刻的樱木，是不可战胜的，是无人能敌的。因为他充满着绝对力量。而这力量从何而来？最重要的是，为什么这个场景他能感动每一个80后，甚至一些年纪更大的朋友？表层来看，这是青春的热血，这是无悔的年华，这是幼稚的冲动，这是单细胞的思考。无论你多么故作高深，你不能回避一个事实，这是感动一代人的力量，甚至有可能，这是能感动各个年龄段的大多数人一种力量。所以，无论它如何简单，都不会低级。
在前几天的Twitter上，我发了这么一条twit：“前一阵老说，有两种东西能给带来最强的力量，即盲信和逻辑。现在想补充一句，很多时候，后者其实还只是前者的一种。”得到很多朋友的赞同，TF同学还批注道：“逻辑让你确信你支持的东西无懈可击，盲信产生同样的效果，只是把用逻辑去检验这个步骤替换成了信仰、盲从等等。心理上的自信可以激发最强大的力量和最佳状态”。非常准确。我认为这个结论没出错，可是，它只解决了形式上的问题，并没有解决内容上的问题。樱木的力量之源可以归纳为盲信，把它换个说法其实就是“我要为湘北赢球，换取我个人的荣耀，以及湘北集体的荣耀。”这就是樱木的信念。有意思的地方在于，你把它换了一个说法，就会突然觉得变了味道，说服力瞬间下降了。形式还是那个形式，盲信，但是，为什么盲信这么简单的东西便会有如此强大的力量呢？好比宗教，教义那么简单，为什么那么多人深信不疑，甚至视死如归呢？
我认为这并不是一个自相矛盾的现象，很多东西，简单未必低级。不过在探讨内容之前，还有个值得注意的地方，就是——樱木的故事给予了很多人力量，而简单却更准确的说教“你要为湘北赢球，你要为你自己争气，你要为集体争气”往往连正面的效果都达不到，大多数时候产生反效果。表层来说这是个演说技巧的问题，其实我认为这是个力量激励和接受的角度。大家小时候都学过一则寓言《周处的故事》：村里有三霸：猛虎、恶蛟，以及恶霸周处。人们都对它们深恶痛绝，见到就跑，没有人能说服周处。当周处发现乡亲们对他疏远和憎恨的原因，是因为把他当作了和老虎恶蛟一样的怪兽，才幡然醒悟，上山屠虎，下水除蛟，最终也把自己从恶霸变成了英雄。典型的浪子回头的故事。我以为，力量的激励从来不是正面的，它是一种侧向推动。即，盲信中的“盲”其实是一种相当重要的状态，过于正面和清醒，会产生一种消解的效果。从这个角度说，逻辑并不是力量之源，而是力量之舵。
来研究前面没有讨论完的问题，力量之源，内容为何如此的简单？我的解释来自一种类似马斯洛需求的理论。
马斯洛需求：马斯洛人类需求五层次理论，[hierarchy theory of needs]亦称“基本需求层次理论”，是行为科学的理论之一，由美国科学家亚伯拉罕·马斯洛所提出。 马斯洛认为，在特定点时刻，人的一切需要如果都未能得到满足，那么满足最主要的需要就比满足其他需要更迫切,从而将需要划分为五级：生理的需要、安全的需要、感情的需要、尊重的需要、自我实现的需要。
http://baike.baidu.com/view/690053.htm
我观察到这样一个现象：食物、睡眠、性需求是人相当基层和刚性的需求（最底层）。多数人无法越过和克服这些需求。不过有意思的是，有两种人，他们不是很“在乎”这些需求。他们是吸毒者和赌徒。他们有一个共同的特点，他们陷入一个更强的需求，也许是更基层的需求中去了。其实说基层我觉得不确切，因为毒瘾和赌瘾都不是生存基本需求，也许它是一种更高的需求。但是有一点，这些需求的力量或者说给人带来的满足感过于强大，它淡化了排在马斯洛需求的最底层生理需求。我个人认为，这个需求硬要归入这五级（生理的需要、安全的需要、感情的需要、尊重的需要、自我实现的需要）都有些不合适，它是独立于这五级之外的一种比较特殊的存在。只有这样，我们才能解释无论是舍生取义的壮士（正面）、还是吸毒致死的瘾君子（反面）。
我想表述的就是这样一个观点——有一种超越马斯洛金字塔的绝对需求存在，这就是盲信的内容所在。这种需求不是自发的，需要外界的激励，但是更重要是强调一种内在的契合。就好象吸毒者不碰毒品不会有瘾。我用瘾来做比方可能不太合适，但是一种极其强大的力量。这种内容的普遍缺失导致了80后一代对世界观建立的迷茫。他们不能理解邓稼先的行为。说不能理解其实也不对，因为80后能理解樱木花道。而在我看来，樱木花道和邓稼先本质上并无不同，都是为了盲信的内容而忘我冲刺的，说起来，他们盲信的内容也是大体一致的：“为了集体的强大和荣耀，为了自己的荣耀和梦想。”只不过80后自我中心的先入为主，当集体变成“社会、国家、民族”这样的主体的时候，便开始产生一种不可解释的排斥感。我认识一位前辈，是位半导体领域是专家。有次喝醉了，他和我提到当年的往事，他当年是为中国导弹做芯片的，而他人生最辉煌的时刻，便是国家在把他的芯片装入导弹之后，在军区内部庄严宣布导弹发射密码。那是个类似奥运领奖奏国歌的时刻，醉酒的他回忆这件事，脸上还会露出迷人的微笑。我开始有点理解这种需求为什么是超越金钱和虚荣的欲望了——它本身就是简单但是高级的。因为它必须要外界激发和内心契合的同调。
到这里，如何把“社会责任，民族自尊心”和80后挂上钩，基本就有简单的解法了。80后不是“社会责任”的排斥体，他们需要一个自我认同的过程。过程的细节可以不强求，自我中心从来不和为社会创造价值矛盾，金钱和虚荣的欲望也不是完全和高级纯粹的人抵触，这种理解是一个逐渐转变的过程，力量的来源来自侧面，而不是当头棒喝以及恨铁不成钢。
春节回国，我找两位崇敬的前辈认真交流了次。本来我的出发点很简单，我想解决“我接下来该怎么做”这个实际的问题，希望受到指点和解答。不过两位前辈的回答出乎了我的意料，他们没有一位正面回答了我的问题，其中一位，和我谈了思维的俯瞰和行为的设计，属于方法论。一位和我谈了做人之本和存在之道，属于世界观。一拼凑，我的问题已经无需解答，因为他们说的东西的宏大程度远超越了这个问题本身。
于是，舵把好，接下来就是发动机马力有几匹了。我以为，我部分找到了这个力量之源，剩下就是性格调制和生活情绪调制。
写到这里，自我中心已经不是问题，社会责任是逐步转移的，当你生孩子之前也许你不会理解到父亲的责任，但是有了孩子，很少有人会逃避这个责任。80后的问题在于视野和需求的调节。力量之源不是来自于死记硬背，而是一种感同身受。最佳的方法是局外人和局内人的变换。在国内的朋友，也许会因为身在其中时间太多而失去了俯瞰的视野，而身在国外的朋友，很容易落入只会冷眼旁观的局外人理论家，他们丧失的是力量之源中的“盲”。我真心呼吁所有移居美国以及其他国家的朋友，无论你们出于什么理由，哪怕是回家陪陪父母，或者找对象结婚，或者考察中国的国情现状，你们应该回国呆一段时间，3-4个月，哪怕1-2个月，感受下周围的危机感，力量感和使命感。
这是一个乐观的结论，周处的改变不是依靠一些人站在道德制高点向其吐唾沫，这些人本身就是搅屎棍，是有社会责任缺失的。其实辩证的看，恶霸和英雄只有一线之别，个人和社会也是可以相互转换的。
幸运之处在于，80后是有世界观的一代。因此他们不会垮掉。
I do not totally agree with this guy's long speech as below, but I have come to the very same of conclusion that "Gentlemanly attitudes is spontaneous generosity from men, not requests from women." Or simply :"Men should buy things to their beloved, that is nice. But woman should not take it for granted, or even men's duty."
In China, things are worse. Lots of girls think men SHOULD buy them a house/apartment so that they can marry them. That is not a drink, even not a diamond ring. Who said things are cheaper in China? -,-
My point is the relationship of men and women is not a deal. It is GIVING and GRATEFULNESS. That is the main difference between "Why don't you buy me a drink" and "Can I buy you a drink?"
The guy's looooong speech:
So a couple of weeks ago a put up a post regarding the etiquette of intersexual drink-buying at bars. Lo and behold, this past weekend a friend of mine got burned at the tav by falling for the exact trap that my post warned against. Accordingly, I felt compelled to repost for the benefit of all the beautiful women in Salt Lake who don't want to scroll all the way down to find the original post. This may be redundant, but I cannot in good conscience let this phenomenon go overlooked. So here it is again: Why I didn't Buy You a Drink.
You: Cute girl at the bar. Me: The guy you chatted with while waiting for our drinks. The Topic: Why I didn’t buy you a drink. The Audience: Women everywhere, please read this. I know it’s long, but I feel the length is expedient to truly illustrating and arguing my point.
I was waiting to order right as things were getting crazy. It was obvious that it would be a long wait. What can I say? I can’t compete with all the douches yelling for jager bombs. It was then that you appeared. A cute, petite, slightly hipster-ish girl standing next to me, waiting to order as well. The conversation began in the typical manner, simply relating on how frustrating it is when you spend half a night out just waiting for a drink. It then evolved into a true conversation. I spent the next twenty minutes finding out you have great taste in music, movies and literature. You laughed at my jokes, and that’s a big deal to average-looking guys like me. Unfortunately, after we’d both finished our respective drinks, but were still immersed in discussion, you dropped a bomb that sent shrapnel into my heart.
“So are you gonna buy me a drink or what?”
I had been dreading this moment. I’ve learned from hard experience that any prolonged conversation with a girl at a club or a bar inevitably requires a fee of rum and coke, vodka tonic, or God forbid, a cosmo. As cute as you were, I felt obligated to retain my self-respect.
“Sorry, I don’t buy girls drinks. Just kind of my policy.”
You looked at me like I told you I was going to rape your dog Charlie (yes, I remember his name). Your face morphed from a beautiful smile into a twisted caricature of shock, revulsion, and utter disbelief.
“Seriously, you’re not gonna buy me a drink? What’s your problem?”
Well sweetheart, let me explain to you in detail my logic regarding this decision that you found so unbelievable:
I’ve been going to bars for a couple of years now. I enjoy meeting people when I do. I enjoy meeting attractive girls like yourself. I have, however, learned that buying girls drinks is a sucker’s game. Yes, it has developed into sharing my bed for the night a couple times, but 90% of the time, all it does is give me a higher bar tab. Now you might say I’m a prick for expecting a girl to sleep with me just because I buy her a drink. I agree an $8 cocktail does not and should not equal a sexual encounter. However, I believe spending time and money on a girl when I could be having a good night out with my friends does entitle me at least one of the following things: You reciprocating by buying me a drink, you giving me your phone number and/or going out on a date with me, where once again I will be spending time and money on you. Notice that sex is not a requirement or expectation that is coupled with any of these options. Now, of course, if I had offered to buy you a drink, and you accepted, you are not obligated to any of these things. The big distinction here is that you asked me to buy you a drink, and were shocked that I wouldn’t do so. This brings me to my second point.
You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re an attractive girl, and when you go out there is no shortage of guys offering to buy you drinks. You know that they are all doing so with the hope that it will lead to sex with you. You know that it’s not going to happen, but you will accept the free drinks anyway. I don’t hold this against you. If they’re dumb enough to think that buying you a drink is the key to your heart and that they are somehow different from the other Ed Hardy-wearing frat-bros then it’s their own damn fault. You’re using your god-given assets to get free alcohol, nothing wrong with that. But it is precisely because I know that you do this that I will not be another douche who thinks he can get into your pants with a mixed drink. It’s insulting to my dignity as a man and your honor as a woman. I noticed you when you first walked in. I saw you dancing with that hopeless collar-popper. I saw him go to the bar and bring a drink back to you on the dancefloor. I saw how the second the glass was in your hand, you gave him the “Thanks for the drink, it was really nice meeting you” treatment complete with the obligatory pat on the chest. I saw the pathetic, defeated look on his face as you walked away. He will enter the next round of bar hopping a little wiser I hope.
You took my unwillingness to fall into such a trap as an insult. You accused me of being stuck-up. You then said that I had a chance at fucking you, but that I’d ruined it by being an asshole. What exactly are you trying to tell me? That the asinine idea that getting a girl a drink will get you in her pants is actually true? That your decision of whether or not to sleep with a guy is based on him liquoring you up? We had a good conversation, and maybe you were actually interested in me. But the fact that any rapport we built was destroyed when I wouldn’t buy you a gin and tonic means that I am no longer interested in you. Not all guys are desperate sperm donors. Some of us actually value a good conversation, and we value girls who have enough respect for themselves that they don’t view sex as a transaction.
We established during our conversation that we are both broke-ass fine arts students. Why then would you expect that I, someone who shares your financial woes, would want to spend money on you, a girl I just met? I don’t believe that chivalry is dead. I’ll hold a door for you, I’ll pull out your chair or take your coat. I’ll help you change a flat tire, carry you over deep puddles, figure out the remote, reset your modem. I’ll even help you move when I know you a little better. Why? Because I’m a gentleman. I will not, however, buy you a drink under the pretense that it is what a gentleman does, because I simply cannot afford it. If you want a guy who can afford to buy you whatever you want, find a fifty year-old sugar daddy. There was no shortage of potentials at the bar the other night.
I hope this illustrated my thought-process clearly enough. I hope you realize that you seemed amazing at first, and that declining to buy you a drink was in no way an insult. Your reaction, however, revealed the self-entitled, game-playing she-devil that was lurking underneath. I thank god for the out that he provided at that moment though. Just after you finished your little rant on what I dick I was for not boozing you up, a group of girls emerged at the bar right behind you. Two of these girls were thin and pretty. They immediately got the attention of some bros and had free drinks within minutes. The third girl was overweight and out of place. She had clearly spent a great deal of time and effort on her appearance, but alas, she was once again forsaken by her prettier friends and left to stand by herself, looking miserable. Luckily, I know when the universe has given me a profound gift. There were two incredible moments that filled me with an elation that could not be rivaled by the orgasm I would have had while fucking you. The first was the sincere, excited smile that the chubby girl gave me when I moved past you and asked what she wanted to drink. The second was turning back and seeing the look of horror on your face. You pathetic “have fun with the fatty” remark as you walked away was priceless. I may be broke, but I was willing to go into the red to make this girl’s night and to piss you off. I’m sure as soon as you left you got plenty of free drinks and plenty of idiots drooling over you. I just hope that I got under your skin enough to prevent any enjoyment of those things.
I had a great night. I introduced the big girl to an open-minded friend, and as I write this they are across the hall having loud sex. Normally going to bed alone, subjected to the sounds of raucous lovemaking across the hall would be a serious downer. But tonight, as I crawl into my lonely bed, I will go to sleep comforted by the fact that I have retained my self-respect. Having encountered more than a few spoiled bimbos, I infer that sex with you would have consisted of you lying on your back expecting me to be so grateful that I’m seeing your “hot” naked bod makes up for the fact that you are putting absolutely no effort into this sexual experience. This may just be me trying to justify going to bed alone tonight, but hey, what can you do?
The moral: Ladies, accept drinks if they are offered. Do not expect them. And if you’re feeling particularly wild on a given night, offer to buy the guy a drink. He will be instantly smitten.
附录：
Thinkingfish的评论，以及我的回复：
Thinkingfish的回复：
An excessively long piece of whining, from a guy pissed by a free-alcohol-seeking bi*** with bad manners.
All I can suggest is: stick to your own policy, play whatever seems the right game for you, be ready to take chances if you ever plan to buy girls drinks again, and stop boring your audience.
我的回复:
I agree with you that this guy has really bad manners and is totally a f88ker.
But the truth is always ugly. This guy is a piece of trash does not mean what he said is wrong.
李承鹏这人我也觉得很不怎么样，不过他最新的博客开头一段写的很不错：
王小波说过，他父亲所在的研究所总有这么一个可爱的现象：本来争论的是学术问题，可实际上大家争论的不是学术而是人，比如不是争论碳是否可转化为氮，亩产是否可以过万斤，而是花了大量时间争论对方是不是资产阶级和反动派，通过把对方肉身和灵魂的消灭，从而就达到学术上的正确。那是个荒诞的时代，上世纪五六十年代。以为中国很多事情改变了，其实没有，我们在争论中国足球是不是足球时，有人在争论我们是不是好人。
What am talking about is what the difference between a whore selling her body to some man and some noble relationship.
Thinkingfish的回复：
我没觉得这个男的manner不好，只是觉得他完全抱着loser的心态看问题。
就事论事，我觉得他的观点写篇5行的短文就足够了，再精炼一点估计一条twitter也装得下。
我的回复：
老外的罗嗦我相信你比我见的多，不光是那些"losers"。我最近买了几本老外写的关于社交、成功学等方面的书，发现一个问题就是一本300页的书中有用的观点也是一条Twit就能装下。他们热爱不厌其烦地翻来覆去说，正说反说，说到0智商的人也终于明白他在说什么。
所以新东方的人说老外智商低，不是完全没有道理。
另外这个男人我不觉得是抱着loser的心态去看问题，而是抱着一个装B者的心态去看问题。
这篇文章我本人不是很喜欢，不过既然它被digg.com顶到了top ten，说明很多老外很喜欢。
Thinkingfish的回复：
我还是觉得他是loser。牛B的人泡了这么多年吧应该多少练就了点看人的本事，脸皮也应该很厚了，不会因为这点小事受打击。参见How I met your mother里面的Barney。
老外顶是因为很多男人常常给女的买酒却不是常常能得手。骂人的文章不管有没有道理，处境相同的人总是喜欢顶的。
我的回复：
但是说是loser首先要看衡量问题的标准。如果以男人有没有cao到女的为标准，那么这个男人和大多数顶他的人的确是loser。问题在于你挑出这个准则回过来看这个准则本身，你会发现，这个男人说的问题的确很有趣。
当这个女人要求男人给他买酒的时候，她便在头上给自己插了草标。那些男人不是好东西，他们个个期望用几杯cocktail来换取一晚上Sex，他们没有得逞没什么好同情。问题这次的topic是这些女人，她们的心态是什么？利用男人下半身智商为0占了$8的一杯酒的便宜，因此沾沾自喜？甚至很多女人还获得了成就感，你不觉得这些女人相对那些猎艳失败的男人更加loser吗？
Thinkingfish的回复：
所以说都是loser啊
我的回复：
而核心的问题在于，插标卖身的一方往往不觉得自己是，甚至还觉得自己颇有地位和成就感。而且这种倒乱的思维还在不断扩张，并把所有不肯为此买单的男人打入"loser"范围：“你们买不起，你们就一边去，loser.”无论是一杯酒，一颗戒指，还是一栋房子，都是卖。只不过老外的酒更加廉价点，而在中国，卖身换房的老是觉得自己理直气壮。我觉得参与买卖的男人很愚蠢，不过我不觉得男人在买卖当时是loser，那个时候的loser是女方。当然，男的花了钱却仍没买到想要的，那是后话。而男的花了钱却仍没买到想要的，那也是因为女方不诚信，更加垃圾的还是女方。
或者这样说，一部分女的制定了这样一种游戏规则，她们插标卖身，标价最常见是几杯酒，一颗戒指还有一栋房子/车子。她们为此的付出也不同，包括一晚上Sex，以及终身伴侣服务等。如果站在这个游戏里面，所有女方持有的逻辑都是合理的：1，你买不起，你是loser。2，你花了钱，却给卖家骗了，什么都没买到，你这个sb，哈哈。问题就在于，如果考虑问题不站在游戏里面呢？这个游戏本身有没有问题？女方卖男方买合不合理，我们期望的是这个吗？男方有没有权利不参加这个游戏，为什么男方拒绝参加这样一个游戏也被冠以“loser”？
Thinkingfish的回复：
买酒到上床存在机会成本，因为这个机会成本而抱怨的男人是loser；女人要酒就把调情变成了明码标价或者欺骗，前者自贬身价，后者损人品，都是loser。
国内结婚索财的行为不存在机会成本的问题，是合同，所以不能和酒吧里的情景相提并论。
从生物学的角度讲，我完全可以理解女性索财的行为（只要想想雄鸟一般需要为雌鸟孵卵筑巢才可以吸引到雌鸟），这是雌性追求稳定和雄性的付出，从而巩固伴侣关系的一种本能。当然人类进化至此，完全依本能而行看起来有些可悲。如果中国的婚姻法律保障能够好一点，估计婚前的闹剧和婚后的悲剧都能少一点。
我的回复：
你的回复第一段还是站在游戏里面的角度说的。如果男女relationship的本质是buying and selling，那么这些判断一点问题都没有。
而我的观点是男女的relationship是giving and gratefulness，这和前者的区别在于，前者是先收款后付出，后者是先付出后享受回报。且不说我的观点对，还是你说的女性索财是合理的这个观点对，首先有一点，某些女人依照自己的观点制定游戏，却不容他人评论，并把反对自己游戏的人归为loser，这是一个逻辑上的错误。人家都不用你的游戏规则来看待问题，自然也就成为不了你自己游戏里定义的loser啊。
Thinkingfish的回复：
这个男的想不当loser，坚持自己的policy就可以了，不和这个女的玩，就不会掉入人家的游戏规则；又要和人家纠缠（不论是当场还是后来上网发牢骚），又要把自己立于道德高点，是很无聊的行为。
你说的两种观点无非是站在男女两方看而已。有付出，接受的一方相当于就是收款了；后面的同理。所以本来就是一回事。
礼仪只是包装，真心的爱是不讲求回报的，或者说不要求即时的、完全对等或更多的回报的。做不到这一点，再好的manner也不能改变交换的事实。
PS，我不觉得交换有什么不好。
我的回复：
同意你说的第一段，不过喷子一般都是这样立意来购文的，咱5mao们学的就很好，哈哈。
首先，我从来没有否认男女relationship不是交换，如果不是交换这才有问题呢，光一方付出，另一方不反馈？impossible~
我的point是，交换有两种。这里面微妙的差别在于，一种是索取在前，付出在后。一种是付出在前，获得回报在后。我个人认为前者是不合理的，因为如果大家都这样，交换就永远不可能成立。伟大的感情都是付出在前的：你父母当年对你无私的付出，你丈夫体贴你温柔的付出。这些付出者的确在期望回报，但不是那么绝对以及强调回报等值，但你说他们一点都不想，那是装逼。
感情最为美好的地方就在于感恩，这是让先付出者建立信心的根基，我个人认为这也是人类文明的精华。我并不是指狭义的绝对的感恩，比如我对你好，你就一定要嫁给我，或者类似的。这就是太在乎回报，这是付出者的心态问题。但是合理的情况一定是，我对你好，那你也对我好。回报未必需要等值于你受到的付出，但是回报必须存在。
而先接受后付出，甚至强行索取，是不存在我说的上述事情的。美好和丑恶，就这么一线之差，甚至它们背后都是交换。
所以我赞同你，交换是好的，必须的，但是，得看怎么换。
Thinkingfish的回复：
我同意你说的先付出再求回报的态度。此女错就错在把美好的调情变成了肮脏的交易，搞得大家都很无趣。
我只想说抱怨不能解决任何问题，冷落之无视之是让这些想只进不出的人在角落里自己凋亡的最佳方法。无节制的抱怨只不过制造了更多信息量极低的比特。
我的回复：
关键这男的抱怨的口气和心态太让人不爽了，哈哈。
It's nice talking with you. Can I post our conversation onto my blog?
Thinkingfish的回复：
哈哈，bashing people is always fun, the more angles the merrier :DSure.
