I do not totally agree with this guy's long speech as below, but I have come to the very same of conclusion that "Gentlemanly attitudes is spontaneous generosity from men, not requests from women." Or simply :"Men should buy things to their beloved, that is nice. But woman should not take it for granted, or even men's duty."
In China, things are worse. Lots of girls think men SHOULD buy them a house/apartment so that they can marry them. That is not a drink, even not a diamond ring. Who said things are cheaper in China? -,-
My point is the relationship of men and women is not a deal. It is GIVING and GRATEFULNESS. That is the main difference between "Why don't you buy me a drink" and "Can I buy you a drink?"
The guy's looooong speech:
So a couple of weeks ago a put up a post regarding the etiquette of intersexual drink-buying at bars. Lo and behold, this past weekend a friend of mine got burned at the tav by falling for the exact trap that my post warned against. Accordingly, I felt compelled to repost for the benefit of all the beautiful women in Salt Lake who don't want to scroll all the way down to find the original post. This may be redundant, but I cannot in good conscience let this phenomenon go overlooked. So here it is again: Why I didn't Buy You a Drink.
You: Cute girl at the bar. Me: The guy you chatted with while waiting for our drinks. The Topic: Why I didn’t buy you a drink. The Audience: Women everywhere, please read this. I know it’s long, but I feel the length is expedient to truly illustrating and arguing my point.
I was waiting to order right as things were getting crazy. It was obvious that it would be a long wait. What can I say? I can’t compete with all the douches yelling for jager bombs. It was then that you appeared. A cute, petite, slightly hipster-ish girl standing next to me, waiting to order as well. The conversation began in the typical manner, simply relating on how frustrating it is when you spend half a night out just waiting for a drink. It then evolved into a true conversation. I spent the next twenty minutes finding out you have great taste in music, movies and literature. You laughed at my jokes, and that’s a big deal to average-looking guys like me. Unfortunately, after we’d both finished our respective drinks, but were still immersed in discussion, you dropped a bomb that sent shrapnel into my heart.
“So are you gonna buy me a drink or what?”
I had been dreading this moment. I’ve learned from hard experience that any prolonged conversation with a girl at a club or a bar inevitably requires a fee of rum and coke, vodka tonic, or God forbid, a cosmo. As cute as you were, I felt obligated to retain my self-respect.
“Sorry, I don’t buy girls drinks. Just kind of my policy.”
You looked at me like I told you I was going to rape your dog Charlie (yes, I remember his name). Your face morphed from a beautiful smile into a twisted caricature of shock, revulsion, and utter disbelief.
“Seriously, you’re not gonna buy me a drink? What’s your problem?”
Well sweetheart, let me explain to you in detail my logic regarding this decision that you found so unbelievable:
I’ve been going to bars for a couple of years now. I enjoy meeting people when I do. I enjoy meeting attractive girls like yourself. I have, however, learned that buying girls drinks is a sucker’s game. Yes, it has developed into sharing my bed for the night a couple times, but 90% of the time, all it does is give me a higher bar tab. Now you might say I’m a prick for expecting a girl to sleep with me just because I buy her a drink. I agree an $8 cocktail does not and should not equal a sexual encounter. However, I believe spending time and money on a girl when I could be having a good night out with my friends does entitle me at least one of the following things: You reciprocating by buying me a drink, you giving me your phone number and/or going out on a date with me, where once again I will be spending time and money on you. Notice that sex is not a requirement or expectation that is coupled with any of these options. Now, of course, if I had offered to buy you a drink, and you accepted, you are not obligated to any of these things. The big distinction here is that you asked me to buy you a drink, and were shocked that I wouldn’t do so. This brings me to my second point.
You know exactly what you’re doing. You’re an attractive girl, and when you go out there is no shortage of guys offering to buy you drinks. You know that they are all doing so with the hope that it will lead to sex with you. You know that it’s not going to happen, but you will accept the free drinks anyway. I don’t hold this against you. If they’re dumb enough to think that buying you a drink is the key to your heart and that they are somehow different from the other Ed Hardy-wearing frat-bros then it’s their own damn fault. You’re using your god-given assets to get free alcohol, nothing wrong with that. But it is precisely because I know that you do this that I will not be another douche who thinks he can get into your pants with a mixed drink. It’s insulting to my dignity as a man and your honor as a woman. I noticed you when you first walked in. I saw you dancing with that hopeless collar-popper. I saw him go to the bar and bring a drink back to you on the dancefloor. I saw how the second the glass was in your hand, you gave him the “Thanks for the drink, it was really nice meeting you” treatment complete with the obligatory pat on the chest. I saw the pathetic, defeated look on his face as you walked away. He will enter the next round of bar hopping a little wiser I hope.
You took my unwillingness to fall into such a trap as an insult. You accused me of being stuck-up. You then said that I had a chance at fucking you, but that I’d ruined it by being an asshole. What exactly are you trying to tell me? That the asinine idea that getting a girl a drink will get you in her pants is actually true? That your decision of whether or not to sleep with a guy is based on him liquoring you up? We had a good conversation, and maybe you were actually interested in me. But the fact that any rapport we built was destroyed when I wouldn’t buy you a gin and tonic means that I am no longer interested in you. Not all guys are desperate sperm donors. Some of us actually value a good conversation, and we value girls who have enough respect for themselves that they don’t view sex as a transaction.
We established during our conversation that we are both broke-ass fine arts students. Why then would you expect that I, someone who shares your financial woes, would want to spend money on you, a girl I just met? I don’t believe that chivalry is dead. I’ll hold a door for you, I’ll pull out your chair or take your coat. I’ll help you change a flat tire, carry you over deep puddles, figure out the remote, reset your modem. I’ll even help you move when I know you a little better. Why? Because I’m a gentleman. I will not, however, buy you a drink under the pretense that it is what a gentleman does, because I simply cannot afford it. If you want a guy who can afford to buy you whatever you want, find a fifty year-old sugar daddy. There was no shortage of potentials at the bar the other night.
I hope this illustrated my thought-process clearly enough. I hope you realize that you seemed amazing at first, and that declining to buy you a drink was in no way an insult. Your reaction, however, revealed the self-entitled, game-playing she-devil that was lurking underneath. I thank god for the out that he provided at that moment though. Just after you finished your little rant on what I dick I was for not boozing you up, a group of girls emerged at the bar right behind you. Two of these girls were thin and pretty. They immediately got the attention of some bros and had free drinks within minutes. The third girl was overweight and out of place. She had clearly spent a great deal of time and effort on her appearance, but alas, she was once again forsaken by her prettier friends and left to stand by herself, looking miserable. Luckily, I know when the universe has given me a profound gift. There were two incredible moments that filled me with an elation that could not be rivaled by the orgasm I would have had while fucking you. The first was the sincere, excited smile that the chubby girl gave me when I moved past you and asked what she wanted to drink. The second was turning back and seeing the look of horror on your face. You pathetic “have fun with the fatty” remark as you walked away was priceless. I may be broke, but I was willing to go into the red to make this girl’s night and to piss you off. I’m sure as soon as you left you got plenty of free drinks and plenty of idiots drooling over you. I just hope that I got under your skin enough to prevent any enjoyment of those things.
I had a great night. I introduced the big girl to an open-minded friend, and as I write this they are across the hall having loud sex. Normally going to bed alone, subjected to the sounds of raucous lovemaking across the hall would be a serious downer. But tonight, as I crawl into my lonely bed, I will go to sleep comforted by the fact that I have retained my self-respect. Having encountered more than a few spoiled bimbos, I infer that sex with you would have consisted of you lying on your back expecting me to be so grateful that I’m seeing your “hot” naked bod makes up for the fact that you are putting absolutely no effort into this sexual experience. This may just be me trying to justify going to bed alone tonight, but hey, what can you do?
The moral: Ladies, accept drinks if they are offered. Do not expect them. And if you’re feeling particularly wild on a given night, offer to buy the guy a drink. He will be instantly smitten.
附录：
Thinkingfish的评论，以及我的回复：
Thinkingfish的回复：
An excessively long piece of whining, from a guy pissed by a free-alcohol-seeking bi*** with bad manners.
All I can suggest is: stick to your own policy, play whatever seems the right game for you, be ready to take chances if you ever plan to buy girls drinks again, and stop boring your audience.
我的回复:
I agree with you that this guy has really bad manners and is totally a f88ker.
But the truth is always ugly. This guy is a piece of trash does not mean what he said is wrong.
李承鹏这人我也觉得很不怎么样，不过他最新的博客开头一段写的很不错：
王小波说过，他父亲所在的研究所总有这么一个可爱的现象：本来争论的是学术问题，可实际上大家争论的不是学术而是人，比如不是争论碳是否可转化为氮，亩产是否可以过万斤，而是花了大量时间争论对方是不是资产阶级和反动派，通过把对方肉身和灵魂的消灭，从而就达到学术上的正确。那是个荒诞的时代，上世纪五六十年代。以为中国很多事情改变了，其实没有，我们在争论中国足球是不是足球时，有人在争论我们是不是好人。
What am talking about is what the difference between a whore selling her body to some man and some noble relationship.
Thinkingfish的回复：
我没觉得这个男的manner不好，只是觉得他完全抱着loser的心态看问题。
就事论事，我觉得他的观点写篇5行的短文就足够了，再精炼一点估计一条twitter也装得下。
我的回复：
老外的罗嗦我相信你比我见的多，不光是那些"losers"。我最近买了几本老外写的关于社交、成功学等方面的书，发现一个问题就是一本300页的书中有用的观点也是一条Twit就能装下。他们热爱不厌其烦地翻来覆去说，正说反说，说到0智商的人也终于明白他在说什么。
所以新东方的人说老外智商低，不是完全没有道理。
另外这个男人我不觉得是抱着loser的心态去看问题，而是抱着一个装B者的心态去看问题。
这篇文章我本人不是很喜欢，不过既然它被digg.com顶到了top ten，说明很多老外很喜欢。
Thinkingfish的回复：
我还是觉得他是loser。牛B的人泡了这么多年吧应该多少练就了点看人的本事，脸皮也应该很厚了，不会因为这点小事受打击。参见How I met your mother里面的Barney。
老外顶是因为很多男人常常给女的买酒却不是常常能得手。骂人的文章不管有没有道理，处境相同的人总是喜欢顶的。
我的回复：
但是说是loser首先要看衡量问题的标准。如果以男人有没有cao到女的为标准，那么这个男人和大多数顶他的人的确是loser。问题在于你挑出这个准则回过来看这个准则本身，你会发现，这个男人说的问题的确很有趣。
当这个女人要求男人给他买酒的时候，她便在头上给自己插了草标。那些男人不是好东西，他们个个期望用几杯cocktail来换取一晚上Sex，他们没有得逞没什么好同情。问题这次的topic是这些女人，她们的心态是什么？利用男人下半身智商为0占了$8的一杯酒的便宜，因此沾沾自喜？甚至很多女人还获得了成就感，你不觉得这些女人相对那些猎艳失败的男人更加loser吗？
Thinkingfish的回复：
所以说都是loser啊
我的回复：
而核心的问题在于，插标卖身的一方往往不觉得自己是，甚至还觉得自己颇有地位和成就感。而且这种倒乱的思维还在不断扩张，并把所有不肯为此买单的男人打入"loser"范围：“你们买不起，你们就一边去，loser.”无论是一杯酒，一颗戒指，还是一栋房子，都是卖。只不过老外的酒更加廉价点，而在中国，卖身换房的老是觉得自己理直气壮。我觉得参与买卖的男人很愚蠢，不过我不觉得男人在买卖当时是loser，那个时候的loser是女方。当然，男的花了钱却仍没买到想要的，那是后话。而男的花了钱却仍没买到想要的，那也是因为女方不诚信，更加垃圾的还是女方。
或者这样说，一部分女的制定了这样一种游戏规则，她们插标卖身，标价最常见是几杯酒，一颗戒指还有一栋房子/车子。她们为此的付出也不同，包括一晚上Sex，以及终身伴侣服务等。如果站在这个游戏里面，所有女方持有的逻辑都是合理的：1，你买不起，你是loser。2，你花了钱，却给卖家骗了，什么都没买到，你这个sb，哈哈。问题就在于，如果考虑问题不站在游戏里面呢？这个游戏本身有没有问题？女方卖男方买合不合理，我们期望的是这个吗？男方有没有权利不参加这个游戏，为什么男方拒绝参加这样一个游戏也被冠以“loser”？
Thinkingfish的回复：
买酒到上床存在机会成本，因为这个机会成本而抱怨的男人是loser；女人要酒就把调情变成了明码标价或者欺骗，前者自贬身价，后者损人品，都是loser。
国内结婚索财的行为不存在机会成本的问题，是合同，所以不能和酒吧里的情景相提并论。
从生物学的角度讲，我完全可以理解女性索财的行为（只要想想雄鸟一般需要为雌鸟孵卵筑巢才可以吸引到雌鸟），这是雌性追求稳定和雄性的付出，从而巩固伴侣关系的一种本能。当然人类进化至此，完全依本能而行看起来有些可悲。如果中国的婚姻法律保障能够好一点，估计婚前的闹剧和婚后的悲剧都能少一点。
我的回复：
你的回复第一段还是站在游戏里面的角度说的。如果男女relationship的本质是buying and selling，那么这些判断一点问题都没有。
而我的观点是男女的relationship是giving and gratefulness，这和前者的区别在于，前者是先收款后付出，后者是先付出后享受回报。且不说我的观点对，还是你说的女性索财是合理的这个观点对，首先有一点，某些女人依照自己的观点制定游戏，却不容他人评论，并把反对自己游戏的人归为loser，这是一个逻辑上的错误。人家都不用你的游戏规则来看待问题，自然也就成为不了你自己游戏里定义的loser啊。
Thinkingfish的回复：
这个男的想不当loser，坚持自己的policy就可以了，不和这个女的玩，就不会掉入人家的游戏规则；又要和人家纠缠（不论是当场还是后来上网发牢骚），又要把自己立于道德高点，是很无聊的行为。
你说的两种观点无非是站在男女两方看而已。有付出，接受的一方相当于就是收款了；后面的同理。所以本来就是一回事。
礼仪只是包装，真心的爱是不讲求回报的，或者说不要求即时的、完全对等或更多的回报的。做不到这一点，再好的manner也不能改变交换的事实。
PS，我不觉得交换有什么不好。
我的回复：
同意你说的第一段，不过喷子一般都是这样立意来购文的，咱5mao们学的就很好，哈哈。
首先，我从来没有否认男女relationship不是交换，如果不是交换这才有问题呢，光一方付出，另一方不反馈？impossible~
我的point是，交换有两种。这里面微妙的差别在于，一种是索取在前，付出在后。一种是付出在前，获得回报在后。我个人认为前者是不合理的，因为如果大家都这样，交换就永远不可能成立。伟大的感情都是付出在前的：你父母当年对你无私的付出，你丈夫体贴你温柔的付出。这些付出者的确在期望回报，但不是那么绝对以及强调回报等值，但你说他们一点都不想，那是装逼。
感情最为美好的地方就在于感恩，这是让先付出者建立信心的根基，我个人认为这也是人类文明的精华。我并不是指狭义的绝对的感恩，比如我对你好，你就一定要嫁给我，或者类似的。这就是太在乎回报，这是付出者的心态问题。但是合理的情况一定是，我对你好，那你也对我好。回报未必需要等值于你受到的付出，但是回报必须存在。
而先接受后付出，甚至强行索取，是不存在我说的上述事情的。美好和丑恶，就这么一线之差，甚至它们背后都是交换。
所以我赞同你，交换是好的，必须的，但是，得看怎么换。
Thinkingfish的回复：
我同意你说的先付出再求回报的态度。此女错就错在把美好的调情变成了肮脏的交易，搞得大家都很无趣。
我只想说抱怨不能解决任何问题，冷落之无视之是让这些想只进不出的人在角落里自己凋亡的最佳方法。无节制的抱怨只不过制造了更多信息量极低的比特。
我的回复：
关键这男的抱怨的口气和心态太让人不爽了，哈哈。
It's nice talking with you. Can I post our conversation onto my blog?
Thinkingfish的回复：
哈哈，bashing people is always fun, the more angles the merrier :DSure.
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